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Family Matters

According to the 2018 report, published annually by the Children’s Institute at the University of Cape Town, we can define a “household” as an “arrangement of co-residence with shared consumption and production”. The term “family” however is far more subjective and thus the report went on to define families as “social groups that are related by blood or bonds or marriage, non-marital union, adoption or some other affiliation, and which endure over time and space. Both households and family can, of course, intersect. And this makes sense considering, in a South African context, the largest single household type or category is that of the “extended family”

Just as an individual can  be described in terms of his or her stage in the human life cycle, it is possible to describe stages that occur throughout the life of a family unit. Needless to say, the structure, functioning and life cycle of many families vary significantly from that of the nuclear family. We are programmed to create strong close connections and to rely on others for our emotional wellbeing. And so we enter the world programmed for these close connections, with our family being our first encounter and the first opportunity for such a connection. Our first shot at relationships, so to say. And our most important and most impactful relationship to be exact.

For many of us, hearing congratulations from everyone else doesn’t equate to receiving a congratulatory message from your parents. Receiving support from your siblings is even more meaningful and more necessary than receiving support from friends or strangers. Family can be a beautiful space to thrive.

Family structures have changed dramatically. Only 25% of children are part of a nuclear family. 62% of children in South Africa live in an extended family situation, while only a quarter forms part of a nuclear family. In fact, children in Africa are most likely to live apart from both parents.

Types of families

Families are social organisms structured in subsystems separated by boundaries; that the subsystems define the functions of their members; that family members organize themselves into alliances, affiliates and coalitions; that families develop and go through transitional periods as they change and so on

We need to think of a family as a system, a machine, with different parts and different roles, each functioning for the greater good of the system. Families are structured in such a way that to best understand them we need to see beyond the individuals and look at the patterns formed by the family:

  1. Healthy family

A healthy family is defined as one where there are clear lines between generations. Within each generation level, there will be strong ties, as well as adequate differentiation between individuals. The pair that is the governing unit, the parents, have to have a particularly strong alliance and clearly worked out areas of functioning special to each. Of course, much of this will be defined by culture, but the general rule of clear generational lines and adequate differentiation will hold.

  1. Enmeshed Family

“You see, what you often find in these enmeshed families is that there is a hiatus between mother and father but it isn’t openly expressed. Mother depends on the kids to console dad for the fact that she isn’t very interested in him” – Minuchin

A clear sign of enmeshment is when natural hierarchies in the family are blurred. Mom treats son like boyfriend/surrogate husband and so forth, or children are all treated like they’re the same age. In a sense there is no recognized independence and separation of parts.

  1. Disengaged family

Disengaged type of family organization is one in which parents either didn’t pay attention to their children’s behaviour or responded with authoritarian control. Action jumped from neglect to violence. The parents responses depended more on their own mood than on their children’s behaviour. Their lack of predictability of parental responses handicapped children in understanding rules and developing inner control.

  1. Disengaged family

Disengaged type of family organization is one in which parents either didn’t pay attention to their children’s behaviour or responded with authoritarian control. Action jumped from neglect to violence. The parents responses depended more on their own mood than on their children’s behaviour. Their lack of predictability of parental responses handicapped children in understanding rules and developing inner control.

Common patterns shown in families
“If there is communication, there is disagreement… It takes closeness to disagree”

A common pattern is conflict amongst parents. For example, one might see the children as needing protection, while the other sees them as needing to stand on their own. In healthy families such differences enable parents to work out a balanced approach to the children. But, unfortunately parents often polarize each other, pushing each of them to more extreme positions and making them undermine each other’s efforts. Note that couples who are generally in conflict will most likely be at odds about their children.

A common pattern in couples with marital conflict is one parent overly close with the children and the more distant parent in a critical position, whether openly or not.

Another pattern is a wife who is an emotional pursuer, frustrated with her husband’s distance, who then turns to pursuing her children. Or a child who acts out as a result of being caught in a triangle between their parents. For example a child who is sensitive to his mother’s upset could get caught in a triangle and start acting out in some way. What you would then find is that the child’s problems bring the parents together in concern, or allow them to fight over how to handle the child. Thus one of the most common structural presentations of a parent-and-child triangle is the mother and child enmeshed, and the father disengaged.

All families have patterns of communication and being that they have incorporated into the fabric of who they are and how they interact – this is called their homeostasis. For some families this pattern is pathological which describes a redundant pattern, often paradoxical that the family creates as an interim solution. For instance, a common paradoxical pattern in families is, “We have this (problematic) member who must change — but as a family we are fine__ and intend to remain unchanged.”

When thinking about families, it is impossible for a major part to change without a complementary change in the whole. Families may get stuck in destructive patterns of interaction. It is their perspectives that both constrain and facilitates the way they think and behave. Thus, for any change or transformation to happen in a family, family members must be thought of as both as actors and as authors of their own stories.

Written By: Asanda Madi
Clinical Psychologist

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